Bandit's Dad Was A Smokey

When I bought my VMax motorcycle I was talking with my daughter, Ariel, about naming it and I came up with Sharky's Machine. As Ariel and I both enjoy watching the San Jose Sharks together along with the motorcycle being teal in color it kind of fit. The name Sharky's Machine is actually for an 80s action film starring Burt Reynolds. It's a typical guy film with a tough as nails cop and lots of bullets and a few explosions. It also features still one of the coolest stunts ever as a bad guy gets shot and falls through a high rise window. This week had AMC showing one of the most intense films of all time Deliverance. I'm sure I can find some time to write about the intensity and symbolism there, but I'll just leave it as getting to see Burt Reynolds with a broken bone sticking out of his leg is not for the faint of heart (if him getting his finger tips cut off in Sharky's Machine doesn't turn you stomach enough).

When I think of Reynolds I also think about a quote I heard at a men's group meeting with the Fight For Manhood. This is one of the most significant ministries I have been involved in and I highly recommend for you to check it out. Before I get to the quote just think of who Burt Reynolds is. At one time he was the biggest box office draw in the world. His hit movies include Smokey And The Bandit, The Longest Yard, and Gator to name a few. He has fame, fortune, the affection of glamorous women and was a star high school athlete. I know growing up he was considered the cool guy laughing at authority, making his own rules and carving out his own path. In many respects, he is the world's definition of a man's man. He has had all the world has to offer.


Ecclesiastes 2:10-11
I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
    I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
    and this was the reward for all my toil.
Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
    and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; 
    nothing was gained under the sun.

Reynolds, like so many other men with riches, power, and fame are like Solomon. Yet somehow, having all the world had to offer didn't fill the void for either man. Here's the quote that rings in my brain so often when I think of Reynolds. It sounds a bit like my experience:


Burt Reynolds in Parade Magazine:
My dad was the chief of police, and when he came into the room all the light and air went out. There's a saying in the south - no man is a man until his dad tells him he is. It means that someday when you're 30 or 40, grown up, this man whom you respect and love and you want to love, you hope he'll put his arms around you and tell you, "You're a man now, and you don't have to do all those crazy things you're doing and get into fistfights and all that to defend your honor. You don't have to prove anything to me. You're a man and I love you." But my dad and me, we never hugged and never kissed and we never said "I love you." No we never even cried together. So what happened was later, I was deseperately looking for someone who would say, "Burt you're all grown up now, and I approve of you, I love you, you don't have to do those things anymore." But that didn't happen and I was lost inside. For most of my life, I couldn't connect - I was incomplete; and I didn't know then what I needed to know. 

There's so much in this quote I've spent a lot of time mulling over what he's saying.
One thing that stands out is how desperate he needs his father's love, acceptance and validation. Sadly, like most of us it never happened. Even worse, it seems that his dad was an intimidating presence. I wonder if my children would think that growing up, when I entered a room I sucked the air out? Our society has removed the father's all important role of giving identity to our children. We don't realize that we have been empowered by God to give a masculine love and validation. Our culture almost mocks the concept of rites of passage. I know that I wish that somewhere along the way someone gave me the consistent validation and masculine love I so desperately needed. As an example, my son in law who has served in the military (including a tour in Iraq), graduated college and won the heart of my most precious daughter obviously had not received that validation. The night before the wedding I gave him my own awkwardly presented but heartfelt and truthful personal validation. I told him that I was proud of him; that I would accept him, love him and treat him as my own adult son; and I told him that in my eyes he is a man. We hugged. At the wedding, before giving him Ariel's hand, I told him again that I'm proud of him. This is all so true. He is a good man and a man worthy of God's love. My continual prayer is that he daily becomes more and more confident of those facts.

Another surprising thing is that Reynolds wanted his dad to say "grow up and start acting like a man and that you don't have to prove anything to me." It's sad to see so many men who are desperately seeking validation. It's a vain exercise in of itself. Look at so much of the self glorification going on the music industry, on the playing field and on the political platform. Why can't we see past ourselves? Beyond that there are so many in their twenties and beyond who are still living like boys: consumed by their Xbox, cable TV, hobbies, and sports. I'm definitely not against personal pursuits, but how all consuming they can become (basically addictions). We so desperately need someone to tell us the truth: we're men and called to step up and live beyond our own pleasures; that we are committed to the well being and protection of others.
Also, what is clear from Reynolds is that we need to show our vulnerable emotions. I know I have a lot of growth to do in this area. Tragically, our society has so narrowly defined what a man is (Jason Gaddis calls it the The Man Box) that any emotion beyond anger is weak, for sissies, or is somehow an indication that you're homosexual. Sadly, showing emotion for a boy will invite ridicule. We learn to stuff our emotions and become incomplete and detached. We so desperately need dads who are willing to cry, hug, kiss and show genuine emotion. It is a long journey for most men to get there, but my prayer is that we can get there. Our wives, children and our world needs us to be more integrated intellectually and emotionally.
I'm sad to hear that at the time that Burt Reynolds made this quote, he had enough self realization that he knew he was lacking. He was lost inside, he couldn't connect with others, he was incomplete and didn't know what he needed to know. That is a great description of how I lived a large part of my life. Without the direction of an earthly father we will feel lost. Even with a good earthly father, his weaknesses and sin will leave gaps in our development. Only God can fill that gap. Only through His intervention and the placement of others who will walk the journey with you will you find the answers. I know for me it's a complicated, difficult journey but I am blessed with great friends with whom I owe a debt I could never repay. I also have a great God who did intervene in my life. He has somehow broke through all of the hurt and confusion and guided me to a better place. My hope is that whether we are an international superstar or just a regular guy with a family and a mortgage we all find what is lacking.
Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Father's Day Gift

With Father's Day upon us, I wanted to offer my gift to fathers and future fathers. Beyond the cards, well wishes, striped ties and prime rib dinners I hope that I can offer you something that will last. Understand you have been given one of the most influential roles on earth. It is a role that can change the course of so many lives and has been ordained by God to be the agent of blessing and power in this world. The message you may be getting is that men, fathers and masculinity are archaic, unnecessary or even worse abusive. This is a lie. You are most under attack because the Enemy knows you are the most powerful.

Revelation 22:3
No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him.
First I offer you to be free from the shaming that permeates the world. We live in a results oriented, critic focused, sound byte world where it is so easy for one to be blamed for things. With that environment comes shame. What's worse is that many of you will attend church where your pastor (with good intentions) will preach a message of what's wrong with dads. It will ring of things such as what we are lacking, what we don't do and why the world is screwed up because of it. It's shame preaching and it may produce a short term change but nothing permanent. It also gives us a more callused heart as we get more obligations piled on us. I say you are free (FREEDOM!!!) from that. Your heart is good. You have a Father who loves you and is proud of you. Let that sink in to the deepest parts of your heart. You are free from the curse so you are free to make mistakes. God knows your heart.

Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
You have permission to rest. Actually, in the Old Testament you are commanded to rest. We need to recharge and relax. We need time to reconnect with our true Dad. So yes, hit the links, read the book on your front porch, play the Stratocaster (really loud if you'd like), ride the Hog (or in my case the Vmax) on some winding road to nowhere, just take your Father with you. See if you find Him in a thought or an experience. He desires for you to enjoy things and He wants to enhance it with His presence. We sometimes are shamed into feeling guilty enjoying things when in actuality carving a few hours out once in a while is a healing and growing time. If you're having trouble finding what gives you rest, ask the question (it may take several times before you come up with it): "What do I want to do?"

Obi-Wan: "You must learn the ways of the Force if you're to come with me to Alderaan."
You are not alone on this journey in life. Don't live it out in isolation. My prayer is that you have a great dad or mentor who will show you the ropes of life. There seems to be this implied (again shame oriented) view that if you don't know it, you're an idiot if you ask for help. That's a complete lie. We need help, guidance and direction. Seek out someone who will step into that role for you. You deserve it. Also, every man can be Obi-Wan to someone else. In an "iron sharpening iron" sort of way God has placed us in the position to be mentors. If you're a teen, mentor your siblings or that lonely kid down the street. If you are in your twenties, I'm sure that there's a youth group or a street ministry who would love to have you involved. If you're in the "middle" you either have children or there are other children, teens and young adults who desperately need you to fill the role of Obi-Wan. For you mature men please, we need you the most. You have a lifetime of wisdom that will bless any younger male. I know that I am still seeking that mentor.
I'm sure that you may be feeling inadequate for such a role. Understand that you are in process just like the rest of us. You will make mistakes. You may face rejection. That's OK God is much bigger and has your back. He cares more about the process then the results.

James T. Kirk "Of my friend, I can only say this: of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most... human. "
Finally, I give you the gift of brotherhood. We are not to live this life alone. You need a band of brothers who you can be real with, share with and enjoy the bonds of masculine love. I'm sure this sounds a bit dramatic or even a little weird but we need to break free from the conditioning that isolates us. It is freeing to have others who can listen, care and empathize. We have all been through the ringer and need someone to talk with. We need to be known and accepted. I pray that you find that with a few peers who will walk through life with you. For me, I meet with four co-workers who are also my friends. We talk a lot about what's really going on inside of us. It's so healing. I also have friends from my childhood, college and churches I have attended over the years that I can turn to. I am truly blessed to have this and hope that you will have it to. Having brothers in Christ will get you through so many tough times and will make the good times ever better.
I have given you some fairly abstract gifts. I understand that some of it may seem impossible to attain or just plain idealistic. To that I offer that if you are truly seeking to find any of these gifts and they seem elusive, first read more of this blog as I hope to be addressing this in other articles. Also, you are free to contact me and I'll offer you what I have. I'm far from perfect and most of what I know comes from years of doing life wrong.
Finally, you are not called to go at life alone. You have a Heavenly Father who is actively involved in your life. You are blessed and He is proud of you!
Happy Father's Day!

Courageous Faith

My first reaction to the film Courageous was simply “Wow!” I have been mostly disappointed in films from Christian production companies who although having great messages seemed to lack the professional production qualities and storytelling of most mainstream films. Courageous was high quality and a great story. At this point in my life I am facing the tough challenges of manhood and fatherhood and especially the challenges of raising a foster son who I think the world of. This film hit some of the key issues that men face in this world: stepping up to be spiritual leader in the home; live a life of integrity and most of all being courageous enough to face the challenges that we face.

I am amazed at the incredibly huge moral and spiritual void that exists in our culture. The film highlights the fact that a myriad of social problems including teen pregnancy, abuse, and drug abuse have an all too common factor of an absent or abusive father. The main characters being policemen, see the effects of this issue constantly in their line of work. What hits deep is the challenge that the absent father can affect even their own home. The big question is how does a man step up and be the man that God desires? Adam Mitchell looks all the world as a classic “good” man. The truth of the matter is that he neglects his son – someone who will some day need to avoid the trap of being an absent father. The young officer struggles with the guilt of not stepping up to be the father of his daughter that was born out of wedlock. The challenges are great, but I see the answer is back to the Source. God is our perfect Father. In his strength we gain the confidence to step up and engage with our children.

Integrity is an ideal that no one can fully attain. How do we do things when “no one” is looking? Integrity is difficult to maintain and so easy to lose. Shane looks all the part of a stand up man. He risks his life for the protection of others. The first half of the film projects a man who has flaws, but looks like he's on the right track. Sadly, this is not the case as it is discovered that he has been selling the confiscated drugs that the police collect. This ends tragically for him. How does a few dollars add up against your reputation, your family and your freedom? Do we undermine ourselves in some way in which we will pay dearly? Conversely, Javier faces his integrity challenge bravely. Coerced into possibly lying to keep his job he decides to do the moral thing. The cost is great as he has worked very hard to get this job. The beautiful part is that it is in fact an integrity test that he passes. He not only doesn't lose his job but in fact gets the promotion. Not always do we come out this good for living for integrity, but again what does it give to our families and how does it represent the God we love?

Courage of course is what this movie is about? How do we find the courage to lead our families, stand up for what's right and live with integrity? Within us needs to be courage. To be honest one of my biggest fears is what other people think of me. I think that this is a common issue. But what does one do to combat  that? With the truth that we are God's children. We have the power of the Holy Spirit within us to live courageously. At the alter call scene of the movie, the questions are asked (Who is going to step up?) and rhetorically answered with “I am”. This is a challenge that we won't fully live up to. The bigger question is would you do it even when it doesn't work out nicely? Is my view of God big enough to see that it's a battle that we're living out and our lives and our family's lives are at stake. I think that when I wake up to this reality I'm motivated. Slowly I'm seeing that fear paralyzes me and that what I fear is much bigger that what reality is.

The film has impacted my life. I am blessed to know that several of my friends at work have started a men's Bible study. God seems to have ordained it best for men to come along side other men to help them along the way. I feel that these guys have latched on to this truth and are running with it. So it is my hope that all of us will be courageous in this world.