Looking Back On 2013: Walking In Jake Holman's Shoes

Warning: Spoilers for the movie "The Sand Pebbles" below!

Reflecting on the previous year (in this case, 2013) is something many people do at this time of year. For me, I thought of the movie "The Sand Pebbles" and Steve McQueen's character Jake Holman.
First, I'd like to give my kudos to Steve McQueen. When I was a kid, he was the coolest guy on the planet. I loved watching him in movies like Bullitt (cop), The Great Escape (soldier), and The Magnificent Seven (gunfighter). From what I heard, he was an avid motorcycle rider which I could really appreciate as well. He also fits into the quintessential American template: tough, cynical, rebellious, resourceful, and gritty. For some reason guys like him, Clint Eastwood, Humphrey Bogart, and yes, Bug Bunny resonate with me.

Watching "The Sand Pebbles" as a kid I enjoyed the action but not fully understanding the social and political issues that it was addressing. I also didn't give much thought to the personal growth of Jake Holman, Steve McQueen's character. He starts his new assignment as chief engineer of the San Pablo which is part of a peacekeeping force in 1926 China (during its revolution). His desire is to only do his job, working on a machine that is predictable and in many ways simple. I can relate to this as a software engineer, there's no emotion and only instructions and algorithms that drive a computer. What's difficult for Holman and for me in 2013 is that the social, political (in his case), emotional and relational complexities will take our simple world and cause us to question, feel, challenge and change our perceptions in life. Jake has to decide how he's going to react to the growing tensions with his shipmates, with the missionaries and with the revolutionaries who are all in conflict. Along the way he ends up shooting his close friend to end the torture he's enduring. He also has to decide where his loyalties truly lie. All of this is happening during a shifting landscape of a country in turmoil. 2013 for me felt a lot like that as I dealt with my own emotional frailties, my own personal failures, health issues (shingles) and relationship problems while activities around me (the birth of my first grandchild, the sickness and passing of my father, the sudden death of my cousin, being fired from a ministry position that I poured my heart into) continued to shift the landscape of my life.

"I was home. What happened? What the hell happened?"
Jake Holman: The Sand Pebbles

Ecclesiastes 1:17-18
Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind. For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.

One of the most obvious things that both Holman and I experience is pain. In the past few years I've been trying more and more to live by my heart. That can have incredible highs like the awesomeness of holding Maddie, my granddaughter. It also means fully feeling the depth of pain. Holman's quote is his dying words and shows his longing for what is safe and familiar. I kept remembering this quote during some of my dark times this year. Holman is shot and killed in a foreign country basically behind enemy lines - home will never again be his. For me, I had to let go of my childhood home when we sold it after my dad's passing. Sometimes in the shock of pain you will wonder just what is going on; that happened quite often for me this year.

My Childhood Home

We all try to avoid pain. We insulate ourselves from it, deny it and medicate ourselves from it. I'm being taught right now to try find the positives in pain. It's a hard process since pain is sometimes unbearable. I know that pain is one of God's most powerful teachers and in some way His love can shine through it. I admit that I am truly still learning how to apply this. Somewhere inside of the pain we can find some rays of light into the reasons behind what is happening.
I was once told that Jake Holman's name has a double meaning. By the end of the film he has in fact become a much more "whole man". The simple questions and denial of the heart are slowly replaced with new feelings, thoughts and ideals. He is much more in touch with his heart because of the combat, conflict and loss he has experienced. My hope is (as I bid farewell to 2013) is that perhaps my personal growth mirrors his (I'd also like to hope I'm just as cool as he is too!): a Whole Man.

Finally, Happy New Year, 2014 to all! May you find God's path to wholeness each and every day.

Meet Maddie!

More photos of Maddie are here.
This Thanksgiving I had a great reason to be thankful as I finally got to meet my granddaughter, Madeline. I told my friend Kevin that I might start crying when we first meet (he said that I should let it flow if that happened) but I was more in awe. Here's someone who carries something of me with her (the good and the very bad): so quiet and innocent, but with the potential for so much in the future. I know that there are literally thousands of babies in this world at any given moment of time, but for me Maddie is so very special. She is a very mellow baby who likes to be held and sleeps a lot. I have to admit that I was really greedy and wanted to hold her the whole time, but I knew with all of the family there I would have to pick my spots.

I am also thankful that I got to see my daughters and their husbands. God has been revealing to me how He has put into me the joy of one on one time. It used to be "daddy date nights" when the girls grew up. Now looking back, I really cherish those times. I also know that I regret not doing them enough especially during their teens. These are the tough lessons I have to learn and I hope that I will correct over time. Ariel and I shared a late meal and talked about parenthood and our upcoming trip (I'm taking each of my children on a once in a lifetime "one on one" trip). Amanda and I had a light meal (morning sickness is in full effect right now for her), and visited some art galleries. I hope that I can continue to have these times with them when we get together. I fully grasp that they have their own lives now so these times are special. I also got to have time with both Ron (Ariel's husband) and Michael (Amanda's husband). My hope is that I can be there for these guys as God has brought them into my life and I personally feel the desire to invest in them. My hope is that I can be a support to all of them. I hope that I can help them avoid so much of the failures that I have had in my life. Also, I want them to feel my care and love. Like Gilgamesh, life can be measured by those you have have loved and invested in and in spite of your own frailties. Perhaps there's an epic in all of our lives, even mine.

Perfect moment: holding Maddie and watching football.

As for holding Maddie, it felt so amazing. She drooled on my shirts. She would eventually find a comfortable position and fall asleep on me. This vulnerable, sweet, innocent baby had somehow found peace with me. I was instantly bonded to her. I seriously wanted the moment to last forever. Even cooler was that I could hold her and watch football with her. That felt like the perfect moment and maybe something we could share in the future (I can always dream).

What I do know is that if I loved this little girl from afar, having her this close to me made me love her more. This was most obvious when we had to leave. I had to find a private place to mourn leaving her. That was not expected. I was deeply depressed during the first leg of our plane flight home. What I now see is that even though I have three children, I never had any of them as babies. Fox was about 11 when he came into our lives. I sometimes forget that I'm not the girls biological father since I can't imagine my life without them. Even more so, I can imagine me loving them more than I do right now. But in reality, I never held them as babies. It was a process for us to go through to become father/daughter (and one I am so thankful for). So for the first time in my life I was bonded to someone that loved and trusted me instinctively. It was also the first time I then had to let go of that bond. Continuing in my process to live from the heart, I felt the depth of that loss. It was truly overwhelming. So I did cry when I met Maddie, but it was more for the fact that I was mourning her absence.
So here's to more meetings with Maddie and with Amanda expecting grandchild number two, a more full and deeper (and likely louder) Thanksgiving future.

That's how you make your granddaughter cozy!

Looking forward to more moments like this.

It's never too early to make sure your granddaughter knows how crazy Jiichan can be!

Something Is Sweeter 'Cause We Met Along The Way

Ephesian 3:20-21
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

"Happy, happy, happy."
Phil Robertson

Random thoughts from a new grandfather...

First I have to say Happy Birthday to my beautiful and amazing granddaughter Madeline Brow. Welcome to the wonderful and crazy world that God has created for us! After the year that I have been through (losing my dad, losing my cousin, having shingles), Little Maddie, as I'm going to call her, is a very welcome gift from God.

From Wikipedia, here are some people that share a birthday with Maddie:
1903 – Walter O'Malley, American lawyer and businessman (d. 1979)
1940 – John Lennon, English singer-songwriter, musician, and producer (d. 1980)
1940 – Joe Pepitone, American baseball player
1944 – John Entwistle, English singer-songwriter, bass player, and producer (The Who) (d. 2002) (I got to see The Who on my birthday only a few months before Entwistle passed away)
1948 – Jackson Browne, German-American singer-songwriter and guitarist (Nitty Gritty Dirt Band)
1953 – Tony Shalhoub, American actor (Monk)
1954 – Scott Bakula, American actor (Quantum Leap, Star Trek: Enterprise)

1958 – Michael Pare, American actor

1958 – Mike Singletary, American football player
1960 – Maddie Blaustein, American actress (d. 2008)
1962 – Ōnokuni Yasushi, Japanese sumo wrestler, the 62nd Yokozuna
1970 – Kenny Anderson, American basketball player
1975 – Sean Lennon, American singer-songwriter, guitarist, producer, and actor (and John Lennon's son)
One notable event occurred on October 9th: The Cincinnati Reds win the 1919 World Series over the Chicago "Black Sox".

Last night, the San Jose Sharks (the team Ariel, Maddie's mom, and I follow) gave Maddie and early birthday present with a 9-2 win over the New York Rangers. 19 year old Thomas Hertl scored four goals including one of the most amazing goals in hockey history:

Looking back the whole process started with the stunning news of my new found role as a grandpa. I was driving to the mall for some reason and just got into the parking lot. I'm thankful I was parked since I think that I would have put my car in a ditch if I was on the road. Ariel just said the words, "You're going to be a grandpa!" I think she thought I would react, but I was in stunned silence. It was like I was hit by a tidal wave. There was so much emotion: happy, excited, scared, and old. Steely Dan's "Reelin' In The Years" was playing in my head. I wish that I could have reacted more excited for Ariel, but I think I was in shock. It was a good shock, and after a moment it felt really good.

The next big news was finding out the baby is a girl and her name is Madeline (I'm going to call her Maddie or Little Maddie). I think that Ariel was connecting the name to those wonderful children stories of the little French girl Madeline. For some strange reason I kept connecting the name to the TV show Moonlighting which had the character Madeline Hayes. I think that's the first time I really heard the term Maddie used for the name Madeline. No matter what, I really love hearing the name. It now reminds me of someone very special to me.

My new motto!

Going forward I am looking forward to being a grandpa. Wow, that word still is going to take time to get used to. I'm wondering what memories we're going to have together? I'm looking forward to Maddie giving me a hug. Maybe she'll like hockey or ride motorcycles. Perhaps she'll be more into ballet and reading. To be honest I don't care. I hope I can read stories with her or eat ice cream with her at the mall. I like the thought of being able to spoil her with gifts and have lots of fun with her. I hope laughing is one of our favorite things to do together. Some day, I'll get to see her in a prom dress and tell her how beautiful she is. Even further down the line I can see her in a wedding dress and tell how proud I am of her. These are awesome thoughts that make me long for times to bond with her.

It's so strange to think how fast this has happened. Somewhere between graduating college and now, I've had three kids coming and going through my life and today a grandchild enters the picture. Being middle aged forces us to face the past and the future with some sobering thoughts: past triumphs and epic failures; great moments and missed opportunities; exciting challenges ahead and facing your own mortality. There's a lot there to take in. Somehow a little baby grandchild can put it all into perspective. She provides so much hope for the future, a legacy and another life to influence. She shows me that life will continue on even when I'm long gone and a distant memory. She will also carry a shadow of my self (both good and bad) in her. These are awesome thoughts.

So today I venture out to a new realm and new title. With it comes all of the joys and challenges. It will somehow be an adventure.

We'll walk by night, we'll fly by day...

After having to remove my dad from my address book, it was nice to add this to my calendar.

More pictures: