Reelin' In The Years

First, a happy 50th birthday to Shawn Hillegas. In 1992 on our birthday, I saw him pitch in Yankee Stadium. He didn't fare well in that outing but it is a unique memory to have the guy who shares your birthday pitch in the House That Ruth Built.

"Are you reelin' in the years
Stowin' away the time
Are you gatherin' up the tears
Have you had enough of mine"
Reelin' In The Years - Steely Dan


This week marks a big milestone in my life as I turn fifty on August 21st. One half a century, the big Five-O. I can light my birthday cake on fire pretty easily now. Yes, a colonoscopy is on the horizon. It's also a time of introspection. What did my time on earth mean? Some thoughts: It means I remember the Beatles when they were still together and I watched Willie Mays play ball in Candlestick Park. I'm a Baby Boomer and a GenXer - which probably explains a lot of my confusion of who I am. I grew up during the Wonder Years when they weren't just a nostalgia show. That show more than anything else, described my childhood. It means I lived through hippies, disco, New Wave, Grunge and Hip Hop. It somehow allows me to have some sort of perspective on the world and hopefully some wisdom. For some reason, people look to me for that. I hope I don't steer them the wrong way.

"Your everlasting summer
You can see it fading fast
So you grab a piece of something
That you think is gonna last
You wouldn't know a diamond
If you held it in your hand
The things you think are precious
I can't understand"
Reelin' In The Years - Steely Dan

I don't think this is a "been there done that" mindset, but I also notice things that I thought was really important, has become less so over the years. I used to spend tons of time playing, watching and reading about sports. I spent tons of money on movies and music. Now I see them being much less a part of my life. Things are part of life, but they're not the most valuable. How I spend my money and time has changed focus. Time especially, is getting shorter for me, I hope that this changing perspective is helping me get my priorities straight.

"Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends."
It's A Wonderful Life

Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.
Acts 2:43-47

What do I treasure most now? The people close to me. I think mostly of my children and how much they have shaped me, challenged me and somehow loved me through all of it. I think of my friends in the same way. Over the years I have had friends come into my life that have become lifelong adopted family who have supported me through some of the darkest and brightest times of my life. I think of the fellowship and care during college that came as close to the Acts 2 model that I have ever experienced. It seems during that time I was fully alive and each day was pure joy to live. It was an amazing gift from God and acted out in the most generous way with friends who are still to this day close to me. God has also graciously added friends along the way. I can't say enough about several co-workers who have become close friends of mine as well. It makes the long days at work not only bearable but joy at times. I am truly blessed.

"There's a fire burning in my soul,
It keeps a man warm and it makes a man whole,
When the sun goes down and the day is through,
To live and walk like Jesus did, is the best a man can do."
God Fearing Man - Joel Weldon

But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.
Matthew 7:14

So what do I see looking forward? With a mixed past of hurts, difficulties, outright screw ups along with some great triumphs, blessings and joys I see that life is long narrow road. At times, it's tough, lonely and with missteps along the way. Sometimes we get lost. On the other hand, the views are great. The few that walk with you are the most amazing people you can have around. I think my life calling is still about a Savior and investing in lives to help them find the healing and wholeness we all desire. Those like me who have experienced much failure are the ones who know what it's like. I have many relationships to try to reconcile and much forgiveness to seek. But I know what my measuring stick is and even though I'll fall short, I know that it's about keeping my heart right and continuing to heal and hopefully bring healing to others. There is no ego in this as I know that in the end Christ will get the properly deserved credit. I'm only there to experience the blessings that come along with it.
This week marks a moment of transition and in many ways things are the same. I will check a different age box when I fill out a survey but I'll also be doing a lot of the same things I've been doing for that past 50 years. People come and go through the years but many will stick around for the journey. I'll continue to need to seek forgiveness and reconciliation but I'll also hopefully be the one to help others find it along the way. Mostly, I have a Father who is showing me the way, forgiving me when I screw up and healing my heart. Because of Him it makes it all worth it.

Looking Back On 2013: Walking In Jake Holman's Shoes

Warning: Spoilers for the movie "The Sand Pebbles" below!

Reflecting on the previous year (in this case, 2013) is something many people do at this time of year. For me, I thought of the movie "The Sand Pebbles" and Steve McQueen's character Jake Holman.
First, I'd like to give my kudos to Steve McQueen. When I was a kid, he was the coolest guy on the planet. I loved watching him in movies like Bullitt (cop), The Great Escape (soldier), and The Magnificent Seven (gunfighter). From what I heard, he was an avid motorcycle rider which I could really appreciate as well. He also fits into the quintessential American template: tough, cynical, rebellious, resourceful, and gritty. For some reason guys like him, Clint Eastwood, Humphrey Bogart, and yes, Bug Bunny resonate with me.

Watching "The Sand Pebbles" as a kid I enjoyed the action but not fully understanding the social and political issues that it was addressing. I also didn't give much thought to the personal growth of Jake Holman, Steve McQueen's character. He starts his new assignment as chief engineer of the San Pablo which is part of a peacekeeping force in 1926 China (during its revolution). His desire is to only do his job, working on a machine that is predictable and in many ways simple. I can relate to this as a software engineer, there's no emotion and only instructions and algorithms that drive a computer. What's difficult for Holman and for me in 2013 is that the social, political (in his case), emotional and relational complexities will take our simple world and cause us to question, feel, challenge and change our perceptions in life. Jake has to decide how he's going to react to the growing tensions with his shipmates, with the missionaries and with the revolutionaries who are all in conflict. Along the way he ends up shooting his close friend to end the torture he's enduring. He also has to decide where his loyalties truly lie. All of this is happening during a shifting landscape of a country in turmoil. 2013 for me felt a lot like that as I dealt with my own emotional frailties, my own personal failures, health issues (shingles) and relationship problems while activities around me (the birth of my first grandchild, the sickness and passing of my father, the sudden death of my cousin, being fired from a ministry position that I poured my heart into) continued to shift the landscape of my life.

"I was home. What happened? What the hell happened?"
Jake Holman: The Sand Pebbles

Ecclesiastes 1:17-18
Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind. For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.

One of the most obvious things that both Holman and I experience is pain. In the past few years I've been trying more and more to live by my heart. That can have incredible highs like the awesomeness of holding Maddie, my granddaughter. It also means fully feeling the depth of pain. Holman's quote is his dying words and shows his longing for what is safe and familiar. I kept remembering this quote during some of my dark times this year. Holman is shot and killed in a foreign country basically behind enemy lines - home will never again be his. For me, I had to let go of my childhood home when we sold it after my dad's passing. Sometimes in the shock of pain you will wonder just what is going on; that happened quite often for me this year.

My Childhood Home

We all try to avoid pain. We insulate ourselves from it, deny it and medicate ourselves from it. I'm being taught right now to try find the positives in pain. It's a hard process since pain is sometimes unbearable. I know that pain is one of God's most powerful teachers and in some way His love can shine through it. I admit that I am truly still learning how to apply this. Somewhere inside of the pain we can find some rays of light into the reasons behind what is happening.
I was once told that Jake Holman's name has a double meaning. By the end of the film he has in fact become a much more "whole man". The simple questions and denial of the heart are slowly replaced with new feelings, thoughts and ideals. He is much more in touch with his heart because of the combat, conflict and loss he has experienced. My hope is (as I bid farewell to 2013) is that perhaps my personal growth mirrors his (I'd also like to hope I'm just as cool as he is too!): a Whole Man.

Finally, Happy New Year, 2014 to all! May you find God's path to wholeness each and every day.

Something Is Sweeter 'Cause We Met Along The Way

Ephesian 3:20-21
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

"Happy, happy, happy."
Phil Robertson

Random thoughts from a new grandfather...

First I have to say Happy Birthday to my beautiful and amazing granddaughter Madeline Brow. Welcome to the wonderful and crazy world that God has created for us! After the year that I have been through (losing my dad, losing my cousin, having shingles), Little Maddie, as I'm going to call her, is a very welcome gift from God.

From Wikipedia, here are some people that share a birthday with Maddie:
1903 – Walter O'Malley, American lawyer and businessman (d. 1979)
1940 – John Lennon, English singer-songwriter, musician, and producer (d. 1980)
1940 – Joe Pepitone, American baseball player
1944 – John Entwistle, English singer-songwriter, bass player, and producer (The Who) (d. 2002) (I got to see The Who on my birthday only a few months before Entwistle passed away)
1948 – Jackson Browne, German-American singer-songwriter and guitarist (Nitty Gritty Dirt Band)
1953 – Tony Shalhoub, American actor (Monk)
1954 – Scott Bakula, American actor (Quantum Leap, Star Trek: Enterprise)

1958 – Michael Pare, American actor

1958 – Mike Singletary, American football player
1960 – Maddie Blaustein, American actress (d. 2008)
1962 – Ōnokuni Yasushi, Japanese sumo wrestler, the 62nd Yokozuna
1970 – Kenny Anderson, American basketball player
1975 – Sean Lennon, American singer-songwriter, guitarist, producer, and actor (and John Lennon's son)
One notable event occurred on October 9th: The Cincinnati Reds win the 1919 World Series over the Chicago "Black Sox".

Last night, the San Jose Sharks (the team Ariel, Maddie's mom, and I follow) gave Maddie and early birthday present with a 9-2 win over the New York Rangers. 19 year old Thomas Hertl scored four goals including one of the most amazing goals in hockey history:

Looking back the whole process started with the stunning news of my new found role as a grandpa. I was driving to the mall for some reason and just got into the parking lot. I'm thankful I was parked since I think that I would have put my car in a ditch if I was on the road. Ariel just said the words, "You're going to be a grandpa!" I think she thought I would react, but I was in stunned silence. It was like I was hit by a tidal wave. There was so much emotion: happy, excited, scared, and old. Steely Dan's "Reelin' In The Years" was playing in my head. I wish that I could have reacted more excited for Ariel, but I think I was in shock. It was a good shock, and after a moment it felt really good.

The next big news was finding out the baby is a girl and her name is Madeline (I'm going to call her Maddie or Little Maddie). I think that Ariel was connecting the name to those wonderful children stories of the little French girl Madeline. For some strange reason I kept connecting the name to the TV show Moonlighting which had the character Madeline Hayes. I think that's the first time I really heard the term Maddie used for the name Madeline. No matter what, I really love hearing the name. It now reminds me of someone very special to me.

My new motto!

Going forward I am looking forward to being a grandpa. Wow, that word still is going to take time to get used to. I'm wondering what memories we're going to have together? I'm looking forward to Maddie giving me a hug. Maybe she'll like hockey or ride motorcycles. Perhaps she'll be more into ballet and reading. To be honest I don't care. I hope I can read stories with her or eat ice cream with her at the mall. I like the thought of being able to spoil her with gifts and have lots of fun with her. I hope laughing is one of our favorite things to do together. Some day, I'll get to see her in a prom dress and tell her how beautiful she is. Even further down the line I can see her in a wedding dress and tell how proud I am of her. These are awesome thoughts that make me long for times to bond with her.

It's so strange to think how fast this has happened. Somewhere between graduating college and now, I've had three kids coming and going through my life and today a grandchild enters the picture. Being middle aged forces us to face the past and the future with some sobering thoughts: past triumphs and epic failures; great moments and missed opportunities; exciting challenges ahead and facing your own mortality. There's a lot there to take in. Somehow a little baby grandchild can put it all into perspective. She provides so much hope for the future, a legacy and another life to influence. She shows me that life will continue on even when I'm long gone and a distant memory. She will also carry a shadow of my self (both good and bad) in her. These are awesome thoughts.

So today I venture out to a new realm and new title. With it comes all of the joys and challenges. It will somehow be an adventure.

We'll walk by night, we'll fly by day...

After having to remove my dad from my address book, it was nice to add this to my calendar.

More pictures:

For Every Generation There Is A Gap

Deuteronomy 6:6-9
"These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates."

Since my dad's passing, I have heard many people tell me of how much of a role model, mentor and shining example my dad was to them. This included those he coached, those who worked for him and some friends. I heard how he mentored those who worked for him and that he taught them how to excel as an engineer. I hear how his coaching went beyond the game and how peers of mine received teaching that prepared them for life. It's funny that I just never felt that from him. Part of it is my selfishness or the fact that we don't appreciate those closest to you, but I found that this feeling is almost universal between father and son. This sort of realization gave me a deep empty feeling. My dad was a good man in most respects. We always had a roof over our heads and food on the table. I learned a lot of things from my dad from throwing a spiral, to algebra to performing an oil change on a car. Somehow, if he did it, I missed the affirmation I deeply needed.

Even my friend Pete Damianakes mentioned when he hears that type of compliment about his dad (who I mentioned earlier), Pete didn't feel that he got the same type of affirmation from him. It's so strange that I felt that from his dad but he seemed to have missed out on it. It also makes stop and wonder what my kids think of my parenting and the gaps that they have because of me. Perhaps it's an impossibility, but ideally your dad should be the hero, mentor and guide that you remember most as the one who was "there for you". Sadly, for many it's someone else or nobody at all.

Several times I have mentioned the fact that our relationship with our dads and our sons leaves "gaps" in our lives. What we need and crave for from our dad is not provided and so we end up with missing emotional pieces that I think is best described as gaps. What this leads to is all sorts of addictions, passivity, anger and fear. At this point in my life, I'm really wishing I didn't go through all of my years with so many gaps. I never have felt that it was my dad's fault, but for some reason, there's a disconnect and it passes down through each generation.

To all of this I go back to the one truth. We need a real Father who is perfect. He has to be powerful but also very much patient, forgiving, loving and compassionate. I continually ask the question of what would my ideal father look like. I can see my dad has some of these qualities but I also long for the qualities that he lacked. I know that he was human and thus flawed and so I don't hold it against him. What I do know is that only God can fulfill the role of my perfect ideal of a father. I know that concept from the first time heard the Gospel, but only later in life after I have lived life as a son and dad do I really understand the depth and transforming truth of knowing that God is my true Father. All others are imperfect (even if they were great in many respects) and will leave us with emotional gaps. This process of knowing our perfect Father and the healing that He provides is a life long process as he fills the gaps. I really long for the day when there are no more gaps to be filled.

 

Childhood Redemption In The Land Of Honah Lee

When I was very young my mom bought me one of those sing along albums (yes in the days of 33 RPM records) for children. It had the usual assortment of songs (On Top Of Old Smoky, John Jacob Jinkelheimer Schmidt) but the title song on the album always hit deep with me. It was Puff The Magic Dragon. I had this weird bittersweet feeling every time I heard the song. To be honest I hated hearing it, but still listened to it over and over. When I hear it today it brings me back to my childhood days sitting in my bedroom listening to that album.

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Little Jackie paper loved that rascal Puff,
And brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff.

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail
Jackie kept a lookout perched on puffs gigantic tail,
Noble kings and princes would bow whenever they came,
Pirate ships would lower their flag when puff roared out his name.

First, I'll address the cynical side of the song. Peter Yarrow, who wrote the song clearly states that it is not about drugs. He is pretty adament about it. I know it's cool to find hidden meanings in things, but also I think it goes to our need for controversy. I'll take him at face value on this one. The best interpretation I've heard is that Puff is actually a dragon kite that sparks Jackie's imagination to pretend he goes to exciting places with his magical friend. What could be cooler for a kid then to have these adventures with this fierce magical creature as your friend? As a kid, it sparked my imagination to what those castles and places would look like. It also speaks to the love of boys have for powerful and fierce things. Who wouldn't want a friend like Puff?

A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, Jackie paper came no more
And puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain,
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend, puff could not be brave,
So puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave.

The last verse then takes a turn towards a harsh reality. Jackie grows up and forgets about Puff. New things fascinate him and he moves on in life. Likely, Puff the kite is stuffed in a closet to be forgotten. As a five year old this is a tragedy! Why would Jackie forsake his awesome friend? The moral has a tragic side: we all have to grow up and put away childish things.

What complicates things for me (even today) is that there's a fine line between childish and child-like. I still don't like that Jackie leaves Puff. There's something important that Jackie leaves behind: child-likeness. Yes, we are not to be childish and live completely in a fantasy world. There are responsibilities and maturity to be accomplished. Yes, the kite has to at some point go into the closet. But for some reason, as adults we completely kill the child in us. Christ himself desires for us to come to Him as little children. Christ calls The Father daddy. In all this pressure to grow up we missed something? I think so!
I believe we all still need to imagine, play and laugh. We should fly kites, run through grass and roll down hills. I feel in our stiff theology we miss out on the God that plays, creates and imagines.

Back to Jackie Paper: I've read that Peter Yarrow actually wrote a third verse to the song. He somehow lost the words along the way, but it tells us that Jackie does eventually return to find Puff. Jackie, now a grown man, then introduces Puff to a little girl (implying that it's Jackie's daughter). The little girl and Puff then go on magical adventures and Puff once again has a friend! Given this part of the song I see that Jackie has not lost his child-likeness and has passed on the beauty of adventure, play and imagination to his little girl! I wish at five, this verse was on that album! This for me, heightens the great message of this song. Grow up but don't lose your sense of play, wonder and laughter; that we are to be child-like and live life full of both responsibility and play.

So today, I will take care of my responsibilities and then I am going to go out and play and pretend I'm in the land called Honah Lee.