Saturday, May 18, 2013

Cat's In the Cradle




With the passing of my dad, I went back in my mind to the song "Cat's In The Cradle" by Harry Chapin. I've said before that even as a child, this song haunted me. For such a deep song, a ten year old can comprehend the meaning or at least know the feelings in the song. The words are so powerful and resonate in the deepest parts of a man's soul. We are haunted by our dads and their presence and absense is felt at our core. God designed it to be this way as He is our Heavenly Father. There's so much that we get from our fathers but the task for them is always too great for a human. That is part of the Fall. Shame and fear has entered the world and with that, stress, anxiety, worry, uncertainty and distance.

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"


All kids see their dad as Superman


The song opens with something beautiful, hopeful and personal: the birth of a son. Although powerful and life altering, it's something that happens several times each and every day. So a child's birth is both common and profound. In the true tome of life, the event is also bittersweet as there are still responsibilities of paying bills, taking care of the house and putting food on the table. The singer is already wrapped up enough in all of those things that he misses his son's first steps. This begs the question of how many important events we as dads miss because of our obligations. The sad truth is that we never get the balancing act quite right. Worse is that most of us sincerely want to get it all "right" and others are always there to shame us for either not climbing the corportate ladder or for being an absent father. Crazy! The last line is the connecting point in the song and more importantly where sons connect with their dads. When we're little, dad is Superman. Of course we want to be like him.


And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

The first two lines of the chorus are children's games, toys and nursery rhymes. What's powerful is within them is that bittersweet relationship between a father and the son. Cat's in the cradle is a children's string game and silver spoons are gifts given down through the generations as a sign of wealth. I see the cat (the father) tied up trying to provide the silver spoon (providing a good life and even legacy) for his son. The sad part is that as in the game, you'll end up in a tangled mess eventually while silver spoons will tarnish over time. In the middle of the chorus is the loving plead of the son for his dad to be home. A dad can be away on a business trip or in the office for the day. Still, sons will wait for dad to come home. All sons' desire is to receive that all important affirmation from the man they adore. Little boy blue is the smiling boy who is blue inside ("will surely cry"); the man in the moon is one who smiles looking down from a distance. A blue boy and a distant man smiling down - the connection or disconnection between the father and the son. Sadly, this is the world in its fallen state. A desired but fractured connection between father and son. We as sons deeply desire and need the attention and affirmation of our dads. With the demands of the world upon us, dads have bills to pay, obligations to meet and so little time to really connect with our sons.



My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's OK"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

The second verse is ten years later and the activity is catch. Oh, how I look back fondly of times playing catch with my dad. I think the final scene in "Field Of Dreams" where Kevin Costner gets to play catch and reconnect (and restore the relationship) with his dad. I have no idea why catch can be such a connection, but it does. I've had women puzzle over it as it's somethings they just don't get. Perhaps we aren't supposed to "get it". In the song, the dad can provide the ball but can't provide the time. I see my dad and myself using that excuse of  "a lot to do" to not have the time to play catch. Here's the bittersweet part: the boy's smile doesn't dim but even then it's not him turning to his dad but now some unnamed friend gets to hear that "I'm going to be like him." The disconnect between father and son is slowly happening.




Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

The song fasts forward another 10 years and his son is now in college. What strikes me is that after his son has left home only then the dad realizes how proud he is of his son and that now he wants to tell him. Yes, the dad has figured out what the most important thing to say to his son is but unfortunately his son has now moved on. Whether it's a girl or his college buddies, dad the provider has fulfilled his role so well that the son sees him as the guy with the car keys and the means to form relationships with his peers. It's tragic but self fulfilling. We as dads have been conditioned to work hard, teach your kids to have manners, provide well, do church activities, and then somewhere we miss out on the most important things: quality time, saying what means most and showing masculine love. 
I always laugh a little at the last line of this verse. The son is so anxious, "See you later, oh yeah, can I have the car keys please?" Trying to get moving (away from dad) and still trying to be respectful and say "please". He's much more focused on others instead of dad. Note also that the son isn't saying that he wants to be like dad anymore. Good and bad, the son doesn't idolize his father in the same way.


And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

The chorus has now shifted to the dad asking for time with the son. Now the father is hopeful that "then" will happen and looking forward to that "good time". At this point in my life, I do long for that time with my daughters who have moved on into adulthood. I'm singing along with the dad in this regard.




I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

This part of the song almost always chokes me up. The father has "made it". He's worked hard, provided for his family, got his gold watch and now can live the supposed "good" life. What does he seek out? Time with his son. It's almost tragic how he asks, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind." He's actually pleading with his son for time. Again, rejection follows. The son has all of the headaches the dad had in the first verse. They are all of the "right" things that dads are supposed to be responsible for but it crowds out the important thing: time with each other. Of course this is the painful irony of the song: the boy who longed to be like his dad did become just like him but not the Superman he envisioned, but the over stressed too busy for quality time working stiff his dad was. It's such a simple message but so powerful. The father and son sound like the truly respect and love each other but other priorities crush out the most important times that both of them desperately and deeply desire (and need). I find it interesting that even as a kid listening to this song that I got the message. I just didn't know how deeply powerful the message is. My dad and I could easily be the ones in this song. Not only that, Fox and I could be the ones in this song. I know that I have emotional gaps from missing out on quality time with my dad which haunts me (Was he proud of me? Did he consider me a man? Did he truly love me?) and I wonder how much I don't provide the same for my son.

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

I have this song ready to play on my MP3 player since it's more meaningful now to me that I've gained a son, found out I'm going to be a grandfather and lost my dad, all in the span of six months. I think of how important dads really are. They provide identity, masculine love, and safety which are far beyond paying the bills, providing a roof over their heads and putting food on the table. Sadly so few in today's society really get that straight. Even worse the church puts a high premium on church involvement to pile on more "stuff" that separates dads from their kids. So this beautiful song is a cautionary tale of what we're all forced to contend with. So tonight after Fox's basketball game, I'm going to tell him I love him and that I'm proud of him. Perhaps we'll catch a movie or shop for some new basketball shoes. No matter how it goes, in my mind "We'll have a good time then."



4 comments:

  1. Wow, very well said, Naka. I resonate with everything you say. Thanks for a very deep and thoughtful explanation of this powerful song.

    Dick

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    1. Glad to hear from you, Dick. I know that your children are blessed to have an engaged and loving father. You have been a great encouragement to me through the years.

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  2. Hi Naka,
    Some friends and I were just talking about this song last weekend but your insight really brought out the true meaning. Now that our son has left home to go to college, reading your post has touched me emotionally as I reflect on my relationship with my son and my dad. I guess I have been lucky in that for all but a few years since my children were born, I have been able to work part-time (without travel) so as to be present and part of my kids' lives. But, like you mentioned, there are always things, looking back, that I could have done better (playing more catch, going to more ballgames, saying "I love you" or "I'm proud of you" more often). But the nice thing is that even though my son is at that age where he would rather spend time with his friends, he still values and makes time for family and even said that he wants to follow in my and wife's footsteps of attending Berkeley and becoming a software engineer. So maybe our relationship will have a happier ending than the song.
    Thanks for your post. I will definitely value my time more with my son, daughter, and my parents.
    -- Marcus

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    1. Marcus, thanks for the insight. It sounds like you're continuing to connect with your kids. I know that it's what's in our hearts that make the most difference. Getting it completely right isn't possible but continuing to strive to is the key. May you continue to do a great job for your kids!
      Naka

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