Childhood Redemption In The Land Of Honah Lee

When I was very young my mom bought me one of those sing along albums (yes in the days of 33 RPM records) for children. It had the usual assortment of songs (On Top Of Old Smoky, John Jacob Jinkelheimer Schmidt) but the title song on the album always hit deep with me. It was Puff The Magic Dragon. I had this weird bittersweet feeling every time I heard the song. To be honest I hated hearing it, but still listened to it over and over. When I hear it today it brings me back to my childhood days sitting in my bedroom listening to that album.

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Little Jackie paper loved that rascal Puff,
And brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff.

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail
Jackie kept a lookout perched on puffs gigantic tail,
Noble kings and princes would bow whenever they came,
Pirate ships would lower their flag when puff roared out his name.

First, I'll address the cynical side of the song. Peter Yarrow, who wrote the song clearly states that it is not about drugs. He is pretty adament about it. I know it's cool to find hidden meanings in things, but also I think it goes to our need for controversy. I'll take him at face value on this one. The best interpretation I've heard is that Puff is actually a dragon kite that sparks Jackie's imagination to pretend he goes to exciting places with his magical friend. What could be cooler for a kid then to have these adventures with this fierce magical creature as your friend? As a kid, it sparked my imagination to what those castles and places would look like. It also speaks to the love of boys have for powerful and fierce things. Who wouldn't want a friend like Puff?

A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, Jackie paper came no more
And puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain,
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend, puff could not be brave,
So puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave.

The last verse then takes a turn towards a harsh reality. Jackie grows up and forgets about Puff. New things fascinate him and he moves on in life. Likely, Puff the kite is stuffed in a closet to be forgotten. As a five year old this is a tragedy! Why would Jackie forsake his awesome friend? The moral has a tragic side: we all have to grow up and put away childish things.

What complicates things for me (even today) is that there's a fine line between childish and child-like. I still don't like that Jackie leaves Puff. There's something important that Jackie leaves behind: child-likeness. Yes, we are not to be childish and live completely in a fantasy world. There are responsibilities and maturity to be accomplished. Yes, the kite has to at some point go into the closet. But for some reason, as adults we completely kill the child in us. Christ himself desires for us to come to Him as little children. Christ calls The Father daddy. In all this pressure to grow up we missed something? I think so!
I believe we all still need to imagine, play and laugh. We should fly kites, run through grass and roll down hills. I feel in our stiff theology we miss out on the God that plays, creates and imagines.

Back to Jackie Paper: I've read that Peter Yarrow actually wrote a third verse to the song. He somehow lost the words along the way, but it tells us that Jackie does eventually return to find Puff. Jackie, now a grown man, then introduces Puff to a little girl (implying that it's Jackie's daughter). The little girl and Puff then go on magical adventures and Puff once again has a friend! Given this part of the song I see that Jackie has not lost his child-likeness and has passed on the beauty of adventure, play and imagination to his little girl! I wish at five, this verse was on that album! This for me, heightens the great message of this song. Grow up but don't lose your sense of play, wonder and laughter; that we are to be child-like and live life full of both responsibility and play.

So today, I will take care of my responsibilities and then I am going to go out and play and pretend I'm in the land called Honah Lee.

Cat's In the Cradle

With the passing of my dad, I went back in my mind to the song "Cat's In The Cradle" by Harry Chapin. I've said before that even as a child, this song haunted me. For such a deep song, a ten year old can comprehend the meaning or at least know the feelings in the song. The words are so powerful and resonate in the deepest parts of a man's soul. We are haunted by our dads and their presence and absense is felt at our core. God designed it to be this way as He is our Heavenly Father. There's so much that we get from our fathers but the task for them is always too great for a human. That is part of the Fall. Shame and fear has entered the world and with that, stress, anxiety, worry, uncertainty and distance.

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"

All kids see their dad as Superman

The song opens with something beautiful, hopeful and personal: the birth of a son. Although powerful and life altering, it's something that happens several times each and every day. So a child's birth is both common and profound. In the true tome of life, the event is also bittersweet as there are still responsibilities of paying bills, taking care of the house and putting food on the table. The singer is already wrapped up enough in all of those things that he misses his son's first steps. This begs the question of how many important events we as dads miss because of our obligations. The sad truth is that we never get the balancing act quite right. Worse is that most of us sincerely want to get it all "right" and others are always there to shame us for either not climbing the corportate ladder or for being an absent father. Crazy! The last line is the connecting point in the song and more importantly where sons connect with their dads. When we're little, dad is Superman. Of course we want to be like him.

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

The first two lines of the chorus are children's games, toys and nursery rhymes. What's powerful is within them is that bittersweet relationship between a father and the son. Cat's in the cradle is a children's string game and silver spoons are gifts given down through the generations as a sign of wealth. I see the cat (the father) tied up trying to provide the silver spoon (providing a good life and even legacy) for his son. The sad part is that as in the game, you'll end up in a tangled mess eventually while silver spoons will tarnish over time. In the middle of the chorus is the loving plead of the son for his dad to be home. A dad can be away on a business trip or in the office for the day. Still, sons will wait for dad to come home. All sons' desire is to receive that all important affirmation from the man they adore. Little boy blue is the smiling boy who is blue inside ("will surely cry"); the man in the moon is one who smiles looking down from a distance. A blue boy and a distant man smiling down - the connection or disconnection between the father and the son. Sadly, this is the world in its fallen state. A desired but fractured connection between father and son. We as sons deeply desire and need the attention and affirmation of our dads. With the demands of the world upon us, dads have bills to pay, obligations to meet and so little time to really connect with our sons.

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's OK"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

The second verse is ten years later and the activity is catch. Oh, how I look back fondly of times playing catch with my dad. I think the final scene in "Field Of Dreams" where Kevin Costner gets to play catch and reconnect (and restore the relationship) with his dad. I have no idea why catch can be such a connection, but it does. I've had women puzzle over it as it's somethings they just don't get. Perhaps we aren't supposed to "get it". In the song, the dad can provide the ball but can't provide the time. I see my dad and myself using that excuse of  "a lot to do" to not have the time to play catch. Here's the bittersweet part: the boy's smile doesn't dim but even then it's not him turning to his dad but now some unnamed friend gets to hear that "I'm going to be like him." The disconnect between father and son is slowly happening.

Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

The song fasts forward another 10 years and his son is now in college. What strikes me is that after his son has left home only then the dad realizes how proud he is of his son and that now he wants to tell him. Yes, the dad has figured out what the most important thing to say to his son is but unfortunately his son has now moved on. Whether it's a girl or his college buddies, dad the provider has fulfilled his role so well that the son sees him as the guy with the car keys and the means to form relationships with his peers. It's tragic but self fulfilling. We as dads have been conditioned to work hard, teach your kids to have manners, provide well, do church activities, and then somewhere we miss out on the most important things: quality time, saying what means most and showing masculine love. 

I always laugh a little at the last line of this verse. The son is so anxious, "See you later, oh yeah, can I have the car keys please?" Trying to get moving (away from dad) and still trying to be respectful and say "please". He's much more focused on others instead of dad. Note also that the son isn't saying that he wants to be like dad anymore. Good and bad, the son doesn't idolize his father in the same way.

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

The chorus has now shifted to the dad asking for time with the son. Now the father is hopeful that "then" will happen and looking forward to that "good time". At this point in my life, I do long for that time with my daughters who have moved on into adulthood. I'm singing along with the dad in this regard.

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

This part of the song almost always chokes me up. The father has "made it". He's worked hard, provided for his family, got his gold watch and now can live the supposed "good" life. What does he seek out? Time with his son. It's almost tragic how he asks, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind." He's actually pleading with his son for time. Again, rejection follows. The son has all of the headaches the dad had in the first verse. They are all of the "right" things that dads are supposed to be responsible for but it crowds out the important thing: time with each other. Of course this is the painful irony of the song: the boy who longed to be like his dad did become just like him but not the Superman he envisioned, but the over stressed too busy for quality time working stiff his dad was. It's such a simple message but so powerful. The father and son sound like the truly respect and love each other but other priorities crush out the most important times that both of them desperately and deeply desire (and need). I find it interesting that even as a kid listening to this song that I got the message. I just didn't know how deeply powerful the message is. My dad and I could easily be the ones in this song. Not only that, Fox and I could be the ones in this song. I know that I have emotional gaps from missing out on quality time with my dad which haunts me (Was he proud of me? Did he consider me a man? Did he truly love me?) and I wonder how much I don't provide the same for my son.

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

I have this song ready to play on my MP3 player since it's more meaningful now to me that I've gained a son, found out I'm going to be a grandfather and lost my dad, all in the span of six months. I think of how important dads really are. They provide identity, masculine love, and safety which are far beyond paying the bills, providing a roof over their heads and putting food on the table. Sadly so few in today's society really get that straight. Even worse the church puts a high premium on church involvement to pile on more "stuff" that separates dads from their kids. So this beautiful song is a cautionary tale of what we're all forced to contend with. So tonight after Fox's basketball game, I'm going to tell him I love him and that I'm proud of him. Perhaps we'll catch a movie or shop for some new basketball shoes. No matter how it goes, in my mind "We'll have a good time then."

Remembrance

Proverbs 20:7

The righteous lead blameless lives;
    blessed are their children after them.

"Feeling like a dusty road inside me
Waiting for a drink of autumn rain
But inspite of all I am I can still turn and smile
When I reach the promised land I'll be stronger for the trial
Love's gonna rescue me"

I used to listen to this song when I went to the hospital to visit my mom while she battled cancer. It's by a friend named Bob Hudson. It really expresses that feeling when you are dealing with the dire circumstances of life. You feel lifeless inside; somehow you feel like you're going through the motions of living when in fact you're dealing with something deeply difficult. Watching my mom suffer was one of those times. It's almost as if God in His mercy allows us to dry up inside so that we can cope with such deep hurt. Along with that we so desperately desire relief - that drink of refreshing rain that can heal the hurt. I'm recalling all of this as I deal with the passing of my father. If you've read any of this blog you know that fatherhood, and manhood are recurring themes I touch on. So now I face the reality of mourning my dad. There's almost too much to deal with to express it all nor will I process it so easily. Grief and mourning is that way. We all do it in a personal way. I find myself more in a reflective mindset remembering my childhood and how my dad was in and out of my life. He was my coach, teacher, the hard working provider, mentor, displinarian and companion but also he was the yeller, the belittler and distant. I hold no animosity towards any of the latter. My dad was very much human as we all are.

The details of his passing are this: he suffered a hemorrhage stroke about three months ago. After surgery and rehabilitation, he was moved to an assisted living situation with the expectation of a decent and even full recovery. The past three weeks he started to grow weak and tired. The thought was that he still had fluid on the brain. Last Sunday, I spoke with my brother on plans for after his surgery. Those plans were not to be. That night he passed away peacefully expiring in his sleep. I think of how much my mom suffered and I feel that God was indeed very merciful to take my dad with minmal pain and very much like the man I knew. The next day came two strange feelings. The first came in the question, "Did I really hear that right?" I think shock has that effect on us. It's almost dream like when surprising and shocking news comes our way. The second was this emptiness knowing that this was the first day in my life that I have no earthly parents. From the day we're born, we have parents but for me after 48 years, that is not the case anymore.

Dealing with the details of putting his affairs in order has also reminded me of the differences between my generation and his. He was born into the Great Depression and his teen years were during World War II. His mother passed away when he was a teenager. I always wondered how the affected him. Like most Nisei (second generation Japanese Americans) he was the dutiful son who went to school, got a job, started a family, provided for that family and retired to play golf and travel. He was a hard working man. All of these qualities come from the mix of Japanese culture and the American culture of his era. Duty, honor and sacrifice are noble words that would describe him and so many others from this generation.

The closest my dad got to telling me he was proud of me and confirmed that I was a man

I would be remiss to say that as a human he had both great qualities and left gaps in my life as a father. As kids he never hugged us, told us he loved us, or that he was proud of us. He was demanding in a good way but also lacked the ability to encourage us and inspire us. I really don't hold any of this against him. I just know that I am no better than him as a father. It also gives me the great desire to know my Heavenly Father who fills those gaps in.

Conversely, I praise God that deep down, I know he loved me. I know that we had great times together. He's the man who taught me to throw a curve ball, hit a driver, shoot a jump shot, do long division, drive a stick shift and brush my teeth. It's so amazing that if you ask any man what the remember about their father it usually is something they did with him or something he taught them. One unique thing he taught me was how to solder. Even today at work when I smell solder, it bring me back to my dad's garage. Those are warm memories where I felt his strength and bond. We also got to travel to Japan together. That visit included seeing his father's house. He also was able to meet his cousin for the first time. He has told me that that time was very special to him. For me that meant a lot. It's a memory we got to share and is something I can carry with me the rest of my life.


"Searching for a road that isn't as lonely
Looking for a friend to ease the pain
I go back to where this started to find out what went wrong
No miracle cures for the broken heart and only time and shoulders to lean on
Love's gonna rescue me"

Many have asked how I'm doing through this part. In spite of everything, I feel peace. I really believe it's because I've had so many praying for me. Also, I have the best friends anyone could ever imagine who are there for me. The process to mourn does take time, but also comes out in different ways. I also have to admit that I have to be in "business mode" helping with settling my dad's affairs. That's a distraction that I used to use to avoid the pain. This time, I'm going to write, take walks and sit quietly by myself. God seems to work best in me when I do that. I know I'm going to miss him. I wish we had more time and that we could really truly talk about the important stuff. I'm sad that he was only a few months away from meeting his first great-grandchild. Mourning seems to be a lot about regret and "what ifs".

"But in spite of all I am I can still turn and smile
When I reach the promised land I'll be stronger for the trial
Love's gonna rescue me"

I also am thankful that my last words to my dad were "I love you." Such simple words, but are packed with power. I seriously didn't think that it would be the last time I saw him, but it is one of those moments where I said the right thing at the right time.

I know deep down that this is not the end of my time with dad. When God does reunite me with him, I look forward to then talking about some of the deep stuff that was too hard to talk through. I want to deeply thank him for being a great dad, grandfather and a great man. God is so great when it comes to second chances and I know that I will have that with my dad. In that, Christ is always about restoring relationships and more deeply our hearts. His love does rescue us. It is deeply painful and hugely uplifting. So my hope is that when I hear myself parroting his words as I coach basketball, or when I smell melting solder, I can turn and smile.

Where The Streets Have No Name

My House

"I've been walking these streets so long,
Singing the same old song,
I know every crack in these dirty sidewalks of Broadway,"
Glen Campbell - Rhinestone Cowboy

A View Of My Elementary School

I spent a week with my dad helping him with his rehabilitation and moving him to assisted living. I knew it would be an emotionally hard time so in the mornings I would take a short time to either jog or walk around my neighborhood. My mind wandered a lot though my years in my family's house. Yes, the Glen Campbell song doesn't literally apply, but the verse came to mind as I realized that, yes, I know every crack in the sidewalks of my childhood neighborhood. I know that this was a great chance to process more of what it was like to grow up as I did. I've said it many times that my childhood was like the Wonder Years. Suburbs with manicured lawns that we ran on like we owned them all. There were neighbors who we knews like family and the elementary school there was also an extension of the people and play that we experienced.

My house sits in a cul-de-sac. To me and my friends it was a football field, baseball stadium, basketball court, a fort and a race track. The man hole cover served as home plate. My dad built a basketball hoop that still stands at the end of our driveway. I think of how much all that playing time has shaped me. It's not just how to throw a curveball or a perfect spiral, but also the quality of time playing with friends in the sunshine and rain. We used to play ball from the time we got up until it was dinner and then schedule a game of hide and seek until it was dark (the telephone poll was home base). It's amazing how many hiding places you can come up with when you have the time and the challenge.

Hangman's Hill is now a subdivision

Behind our house was a hill, a canal and a dirt road. That was our place of adventure. It was a dirt bike track, a trek into enemy territory, and a place to light off firecrackers. There was a tree on the top of the hill that had a long arm extending horizontally. We called it Hangman's Hill because of the tree resembling a gallows. Of course we were told that an actual hanging happened there and that the hill was haunted because of that - there's nothing like a kid's active imagination and the power of urban legend. The hill is now covered by a large subdivision. As for the canal, we used to find ways to climb down in there and run along the small stream. It was sort of a rite of passage to do this. As it involved strength, courage and the daring to avoid getting caught. It seems that most of our secret passages are blocked off now and as a dad, I understand why. But in some ways, I'm sad for the kids who live in the neighborhood today. There's no hill to climb that has dirt, brush and jack rabbits to negotiate. There's no place where your friends can challenge each other to tests of strength and courage.

I hope that everyone who reads this can find and remember a place that was "their own". A place where play and imagination ran free. Within that as adults we can find that inner self that we so easily lose - I call it child-likeness. Some may even call it our soul. Mostly, it is a place of freedom. I seriously believe when we make it to heaven, that will be the prevailing feeling - joy, peace, freedom, laughter, creativity and yes, play. If so, I found a little bit of heaven in a suburb lined with cookie cutter houses.

"Come and go with me to my Father's House,
It's a big, big house, with lots and lots of rooms,
A big, big table, with lots and lots of food,
A big, big yard, where we can play football,
A big, big house, it's my Father's house."
Audio Adrenaline - Big House

Call Me Ojiichan

The first picture of my first grandchild!

To my first grandchild,

Hello! My name is James Nakamura but to you I'm grandpa (or ojiichan if you'd like to use the Japanese term). I know it will be a few months before we actually meet but know that the moment that I heard that God had created you, I loved you. When your mommy told me about you for the first time I was happy and stunned. You see, sometimes the best surprises in the whole world are almost too much to emotionally understand. This was the case when I heard of you. I was so happy to know that you were created, but it was such a happy moment I almost couldn't handle all of the feelings.

There's so much I wish I could tell you, but we have a whole life together to talk about these things so I won't overwhelme you with too much stuff.

So here are a few things I'd like you to know:

You have the best mommy in the whole world. When she was a little girl, she was so special to me (and still is!). She loved to hold my hand and tell me all the things that were going on with her. As she grew older I could always see that she loved God and was so incredibly loyal. She's really well read, loves talking with people and likes to do crafts and cook. All of those great qualities you get to enjoy as she raises you. She was even nice enough to go and watch sports with grandpa. I hope that some day we will do the same. You will of course have lots of San Jose Sharks and San Francisco Giants memorabilia in your life courtesy of me!

Your daddy is a great man of God. He was brave enough to serve his country to help protect us from people who want to hurt us. He also likes geeky things (like your grandpa) so you will be subjected to hearing about scifi (Star Trek, Star Wars) and over analysing of everything. He will also teach you to fly fish and is a good craftsman. I know those times learning from him will be very special!

As for grandpa, I promise you that you will have lots of ice cream, presents, and hugs! I'm excited to be the one who can do these things because that's what grandpas are for. We get to hear all the neat things you do in life and get to cheer you on in any activity that you try. Know that I will be so proud of you. I will be your biggest fan! I want you to know that I'm new to being ojiichan. Because of this, I will make mistakes. I hope that you will forgive me when I mess things up because I'm still learning too! I'm excited that we can learn things together and that most of our times will be happy ones full of laughter!

Most importantly, I will share as much as I can about your loving Heavenly Father. He created you and no matter how much I love you, He loves you more. He loved you so much that He would send His Son to teach us important things and even die for all the bad stuff we do. I know I will have a hard time remembering any bad things that you might do, but God actually erases them so we don't have anything guilt of being bad. Isn't that the most amazing thing (even more amazing than you!)?

I hope that you will read this letter when you are older and that we can remember a lot of good times together. I also hope that you feel as much love from me as I feel for you. May we have lots of sunsets, sporting events, movie nights, and inside jokes!

Love,
Grandpa/Ojiichan

The Final Buzzer

The eventual, has just happened. Our season has come to an end and with it comes the mixed feelings of change in the air. The final third of the season started fairly uneventful with a few wins and losses and then two tournaments. There are times in a season where the grind of the game can get to you. I admit late in the season I let things get to me at times. I know that I deservedly so received my first two technical fouls and my first ejection.  There's much I have to learn about self control as God is still not done with me yet.
The Nashville Regional Tournament was a tough experience. We faced two of the best home school teams in the country. I was very happy to once again see the team rise to the occasion and fight hard. We stayed close for a half, but then the opponents pulled away. I'm always wondering just how each of the players feels going through all of this. The work so hard, but many times comes up short. It's not anything that they're doing wrong per se, but much of it is the hand that we're dealt. The final game was just one of those games where we were flat. I think we all knew that we should have beat this team but ended up losing by 3.

Moving on to the East Coast Finals Tournament I got a reminder of just how much these young men mean to me and the privilege it is to be their coach. Travelling 4.5 hours and then getting up for the first game was tough. We ended up getting down early and fighting back late. Sadly we lost by three points - another hard fought loss! Up next is an elite team that quite frankly was way beyond anything that we have ever faced. 43-11 record with games in France, Australia and a team of all stars. They have their own chartered plane and bus. Mark Cuban's brother OWNS the team. They blew out the other teams in pool play by 60 and 50 points. We fought hard as usual but something different happened. We stayed close for most of the game. I could sense that the coach was not happy that we were making a game of this. Eventually, their talent level and superior coaching got the better of us and they pulled away for a 30 point win. For some reason this game felt good losing by "only" 30. I think they expected a blow out in the first quarter. The handshake at the end of the game felt different. There was an acknowledgement of respect from both teams. I sense that our team felt it too. We turned a corner and possibly matured that night. Our next two games were wins where that toughness that we've developed over the course of the season payed off. These were more gutty wins that required us fighting through lots of tough moments. Hearing the final buzzer of the last win was sweet - we had earned the right to play in the 4A championship!

The championship game was another tough fought battle from very evenly matched teams. It was strange that I had a peace throughout the game. I couldn't figure out why since this was the biggest game of the season. We got down early and played even the rest of the way - early cold shooting and the absence of two players hurt us, but really, adversity is something to fight through not use as an excuse. Still down by 10 I called our last timeout with one minute to go. I gave some usual strategic words but then it hit me why I had peace through the game and so I shared it with the team. It was so real and hopefully very meaningful: I told them that in my mind it didn't matter if they won or lost the game, they were already champions to me. I actually choked up when I told them this because it hit me really deep. Like the last timeout in the movie Hoosiers, I finally get what the coach in the movie felt. When you put so much into the team, some of you is going with them and you feel the deep love for who they are as young men. I sincerely hope they enjoyed the game and the moment when they got the trophy. It was well earned and I hope a lifetime memory.

The sum total of this season as a Varsity basketball coach has left me with some great memories. I know that God challenged me to put myself in a position that is a stretch. I had to be a decision maker, a life guide, a teacher, and a mentor. This meant that many of my flaws were right out in front of people. It also opened me up to scrutiny and criticism. I had to face off against superior coaches and programs and faced losing. Through it I had to find a way to keep the team going in the right direction. I know that without God and God's gift of two amazing friends to assist me, I'm sure I would have failed badly. I can not thank God enough for having Mark and Bruce there for me. Mostly, this was about the team and how they have grown. I am amazed and humbled at how high a quality of character these young men possess. It is a testament of God, their families and the lives that they live. I know that I can say so much more about them but again I'll say that they are champions in my book. I look forward to seeing how they impact the world and be a blessing to others. For that, I'm thankful that God gave me this amazing opportunity.

Planes To Catch And Bills To Pay

"And the Cats in the Cradle and the Silver Spoon
Little Boy Blue and the Man In The Moon
'When you coming home, dad,' 'I don't know when,'"
Harry Chapin - The Cats And The Cradle

Harry Chapin charted this song when I was about 8. It's such a bittersweet song. I remember as a kid that Brandon Cruz (of The Courtship Of Eddies Father fame) crying when he found out that Harry Chapin was going to perform that song live for him. I totally get it. Even then and even more now that song hits at the heart of where we are at as boys; as teens; as young men; as fathers; and as older men. Living through those stages, it hits home. We men just don't make the time for what's important. Jobs, mowing the lawn, church leadership, you name it gets in the way. When you figure that out, it's usually too late. By then, your son is dealing with the same stresses that kept you from him. I just wish I could stop things and find that perfect moment to tell Fox that I love him; that I'm proud of him; and that he has what it takes to thrive in this world. The problem is that even if I do, it doesn't seem to sink in. That's not an indictment on him, but more just how things are.
This all comes together as I live in middle life land. Right now I'm on a plane heading to see my dad. Although a picture of health for a man of his age, he didn't know that he was hemorrhaging around his brain. It resulted in a stroke. I am so thankful that he survived and has rehabilitated to the point of moving on to assisted living. I thought of how I now have to be on the other side of providing care. Not that I mind it, but I am concerned how that will be a paradigm shift for me and that I'll have to emotionally work it out. I also stop and think that our time on earth together is a lot less than I realized.
My dad comes from a very different era. He also is partially influenced indirectly from the Japanese culture his dad came from. I fully understand this and accept it. It doesn't prevent me from longing for that depth in relationship that God designed us to have. I know that men of his culture and era just aren't that in touch with their feelings or comfortable expressing them. I know that there are gaps in my life because of this and again, I don't blame my dad for that. It is these the burdens that bring me to my knees longing for my Heavenly Father.

Hospital Visits:
Seeing my dad in a weakened state is tough to see. Even though I knew this is the way it was going to be, it's nothing compared to when you see it first hand. I'm now the one instructing him and encouraging him. It's such a shift in mindset. Also, I'm working hard to find the balance of taking charge and helping without dishonoring or disrespecting my dad. He will need to learn to use a walker and spend considerable time in a wheelchair. There's hope that he could fully recover but also he could plateau and require assistance the rest of his life.

The most beautiful moment was when my uncle (my dad's closest brother) spent time with him. Here are two men who have been in a close relationship longer than any other people in their lives. I think they must have had countless wrestling matches, games of playing catch and quiet moments fishing together. Today, my uncle takes the time to carefully clip his fingernails. In most ways this is such a common thing to do, but for one who has suffered a stroke, it is a very difficult task. My uncle gently takes my dad's hands and takes care of a basic grooming need. I feel like I saw something so wonderful and intimate - two brothers who love each other and one demonstrating his love in such a tangible and caring way. I am blessed to have an uncle who will stand up for my dad.
I spent the large parts of the days learning how to help my dad. Again, I am continually trying to find a respective but helpful mindset when working with my dad. I'm helping him get in and out of bed, his wheel chair, and a car. I have to ask him when he needs to go the bathroom. I'm sure it's humbling for him and even a bit embarrassing but he understands the goal is to recover and so he soldiers on. It is the great blessing of his character and the age he grew up in. He has experienced a great deal of hardship (working on a farm, living through the depression, World War II, Internment, and losing loved ones). I sense a settled peace in this challenge. I'm very proud that I am his son.

My good friend Frank Prats

Relocating to assisted living:
There is a sense of great responsibility when it came to be having the assignment of moving my dad to assisted living. First I had to furnish his residence. A true testament of the Body Of Christ was that with one phone call to my good friend Frank Prats I was able to secure a truck and two men to help with the heavy lifting. It all went very smoothly.During this time anybody who provides that kind of support is a blessing. I am so thankful Moving some of the furniture included pieces that literally haven't left their respective rooms for over 50 years. Many pieces are older than me. This also provides some security in the familiar for my dad. My brother Robert was there to help arrange the place and put things away. That was nice to have.
If moving inanimate objects is a challenge think of the responsibility of moving your invalid father. This was a step beyond training as it was in my hands and my hands only. I packed his stuff along with his newly acquired walker and wheel chair. For the first time I helped my dad maneuver into a car unassisted. Again, the weight of my responsibility was hitting me. Thankfully, it went well. The drive did tire my dad out but we made the 80 minute trip without a hitch.

Arriving and admitting went well. I had a huge amount of information to disseminate (another huge responsibility!). It also required me to focus on the care of the staff (which looks excellent). I realize after being responsible and in charge in these past few days I now have to make the next shift, to releasing much of the control and let the staff take over. Change is a challenge for me so I went through a lot of challenges this week. I can't imagine how my dad feels through all of this change. Once again, God showed up in a literally sweet way. Dad's first dinner at the facility included cream puffs for dessert. If you've read my other blog post, you will know that cream puffs were a specialty of my mom. It was like God was telling me personally that it is all good with Him and that He is in control. We are all family and with a few special touchstones (like cream puffs) we'll get through this together. I am so humbled by all of this.
My hope is that I will see my dad fully recovered. He can then go back to walking with the group of dog walkers in his neighborhood and hit the golf links sometime before dawn with his friends. No matter what, I know that my time with him is limited so I'll be sure to make more time to savor his love, warmth and kindness.
"We'll get together then, you know we'll have a good time then..."